separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I won't apologize to a one balled man
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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