i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize