He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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