im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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