Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
