youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
