I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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