I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
