I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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