Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
