On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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