I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
