Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
