I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
BRING THE BAGELS
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
