saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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