So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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