Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
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