An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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