yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
The best revenge is premature balding
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
