He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
