a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
