My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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