College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
