Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
