the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
