the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
