Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
