So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
