Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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