So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
