dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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