Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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