I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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