Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
