I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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