I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize