You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
