please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
