Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
