remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
