I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
