Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize