I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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