I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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