I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All I want is dick and wine.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
