I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
