you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
