apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
