I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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