he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
All the doctor said was why
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
