im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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