four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
