I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
