She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
