Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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