last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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