he puts the penis in happiness.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
