All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
