I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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