genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Did I show you my penis last night?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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