saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
